Villian's Anger Management
by Cynical-Sweetheart
Summary: Be there for all of the rage, torture and fuzzy bunnies as the Hulk, Magneto, Voldemort, Saurman and special villians you vote for try to overcome their anger. Guess who's the host??? R
1. Welcome To Anger Management!

A/N: Anger Management is in session, but who's sitting in the hot seats? Only a few of the greatest villains in comic book and literature history, of course. See Hulk, Magneto, Voldemort, Saurman get over their anger issues with yours truly there as the instructor. ^-^ There's gonna be a lot of shaking going on . . .  
  
Scene opens with Hulk(H), Magneto(M), Voldemort(V), Saurman(S) sitting in a very distanced semi-circle glaring reproachfully at one another. Tavia(AKA Cynical_Sweetheart) sits smiling at each of them with a pencil and notepad in hand.  
  
Cynical_Sweetheart: Okay everyone, welcome to Anger Management 101. I'm your teacher and I'm here to help you individually and cooperatively cope with some of the anger in your lives. But before we do any of that, why don't we introduce ourselves, eh?  
  
All: (look at Cynical_Sweetheart evilly and smile maliciously.)  
  
Cynical_Sweetheart: I'll go first! I'm Cynical_Sweetheart, a.k.a Tavia Cooper and I'm a part-time author, student, bartender, karaoke bar owner, and anger management teacher. I like to listen to alternative rock music and enjoy a good book. Anybody else?  
  
(Silence and cricket chirps)  
  
H: I hate crickets!  
  
Cynical_Sweetheart's assistant brings in a cuddly white bunny. Hulk smiles.  
  
Cynical_Sweetheart: Okay then, no volunteers? How about you, Hulk?  
  
H: I don't like going first, it makes me angry. And you don't want to see me when I'm angry . . .  
  
(Cynical_Sweetheart's assistant comes in and brings in a fluffy white bunny. Hulk smiles and plays with the bunny, beaming)  
  
Cynical_Sweetheart: Okay then, Magento? Can you assist us, you are the elderly statesman of the group.  
  
M: (from inside his plastic bubble) I'd prefer not to. But since I am bound here in these plastic handcuffs and this utterly ridiculous plastic chair from Ikea, I suppose I am left without choice.  
  
Cynical_Sweetheart: Thank-you Magneto, please begin.  
  
M: I am Magneto, most powerful and most conniving super-villain there ever was. Unfortunately, I am in a bit of a dilemma since Miss Thing here has strapped me down in plastic. I am a mutant out to rid the world of average humans.  
  
All but Cynical_Sweetheart: Yeah! Whoopee!  
  
M: But they tell me that this class is supposed to change all of that.  
  
All but Cynical_Sweetheart: Boo!  
  
Cynical_Sweetheart: Thank-you Magneto for that hearty welcome. Hulk, I expect a nice welcome from you when we're done going in the semi-circle.  
  
H: (turns a shade of green but then Cynical_Sweetheart's assistant brings in more fluffy white bunnies and Hulk frolics joyfully)  
  
Cynical_Sweetheart: Next? How about Voldemort?  
  
V: Foolish muggle, how dare you address the great all-powerful Lord Voldemort as if he is your equal! I shall have your life for that! Avada Kedavra!  
  
(Nothing happens. Complete silence)  
  
V: What the -??? What happened?  
  
Cynical_Sweetheart: I had your powers removed by Dumbledore. It was a long, tedious process, however.  
  
V: What? That fool shall pay, as will you, Cynical_Sweetheart!  
  
Cynical_Sweetheart: Since you can't kill me, would you mind introducing yourself?  
  
V: Oh, alright then. Hi room, I'm Lord Voldemort-  
  
Cynical_Sweetheart: Don't you have a real name?  
  
V: You didn't pick on Magneto!  
  
Cynical_Sweetheart: That's because he didn't try to kill me. (sickly sweet voice) Now, what's your real name Voldy?  
  
V: Don't call me that, woman! My name is . . .  
  
Cynical_Sweetheart: Come on, I know the rage is building up inside of you, it's okay, just let it out . . .  
  
V: (out of breath) Tom Riddle.  
  
Cynical_Sweetheart: Good, now where are you from?  
  
V: Don't push it lady.  
  
Cynical_Sweetheart: Okie dokie . . . Saurman, your turn!  
  
S: I'm guessing I've lost my powers as well as the ring because I've already tried to kill you. Thrice actually.  
  
Cynical_Sweetheart: Correct. Frodo's got it in the AA meeting down the hall. I knew the kid was an alcoholic, I knew it!  
  
S: Okay then. My name is Saurman the Great. I was never a child so I don't have a "birth name". I plan on wiping out all of middle earth with my great and undefeatable army and disposing of this present time as well. That is all. Can I have my ring now? Cynical_Sweetheart: No. . . Hulk, your turn again.  
  
H: I don't like to say my real name . . .I get so angry.  
  
Cynical_Sweetheart: You know what, since we've run out of bunnies, I'll leave you alone on that one. What makes you tick?  
  
H: Oh, the usual: people teasing me, people shooting at me, the sun, the air, spilling my Mountain Dew, Anger Management teachers, steel doors, bad fan-fics, cynics, ignorant fools, piña coladas, dancing in the rain, Hershey bars, that Axe deodorant commercial, not being able to buy a Big Mac from Burger King, my mother, machine guns, machetes . . . oh no, that makes me happy . . . ripping my Calvin Kline jeans, nursery rhymes, love stories, smart people, wizards-  
  
S & V: Hey!  
  
H: (rambles on and on)  
  
Cynical_Sweetheart: (smiles) I'm glad he's opened up.  
  
M: Yes, now to just make him shut up, that's the current issue.  
  
(Knock on the door)  
  
Cynical_Sweetheart: I think we have a new visitor!  
  
*~*~*~*We*all*must*suffer*the*agony*of*waiting*~*~*~*  
  
A/N: Next Chapter: Bringing in the Good Guys . . . It's up to you to decide what great super villain is sent to Anger Management! We have five openings available, so nominate your favorite villain to a session of torture and chaos. Your villain doesn't have to be from a comic book, so chill (political villains would be nice o.O) and just in case, send me a brief bio on the character in an email (rather than my review section) so I can get to it faster. R&R please! 


	2. Bringing In The Good Guys!

A/N: Okay guys, you really do like me ;) Anyway, the votes have come in and I want you all to give a warm round of a boo to our newest villain . . . the deep voiced monkey himself . . . Darth Vader! Darth will be referred to as D in this chapter. (The plot ideas came from Fencer Girl and Lauren Rimar. Thanks guys!!!)  
  
(Darth Vader walks in and the room gets very silent)  
  
D: (wheezes) I am (wheezes) Darth Vader and I (wheezes) am here to (wheezes) conquer my anger. (wheezes) Where's my damn inhaler at again?  
  
Cynical_Sweetheart: For some odd reason, Luke took it . . . said he needed to perform an experiment . . . he was a little bouncy the last time I saw him, though. Must have gotten into my candy dish.  
  
All but Cynical_Sweetheart: Candy dish??? Where???  
  
Cynical_Sweetheart: Oh, didn't I tell all of you already? It's part of my newest experiment. I give you all a piece of candy when you do something I want you to do.  
  
H: It isn't Hershey, is it?  
  
Cynical_Sweetheart: No Hulk, It's Starbursts, Bertie Botts' Every Flavored Jelly Beans, Tootsie Pops, and Jolly Ranchers.  
  
V: Ooh . . .  
  
S: Ahh . . .  
  
M: I'll do whatever it takes! But tell me, do you have metal flavoured jelly beans in your land, Voldemort?  
  
V: I don't know . . . that crazy old hag comes out with a new one every so often.  
  
Cynical_Sweetheart: now listen you all. I am going to give you the assignment. Pass and you get a piece of candy. Fail and you . . .  
  
H: Get a piece of candy?  
  
Cynical_Sweetheart: Actually, no. You get nothing and you watch as everybody else gets to enjoy taunting you and making your existence miserable until you finally go mad and are deprived of all your sanity and-  
  
Cynical_Sweetheart's assistant shows her the script.  
  
Cynical_Sweetheart: Oh . . . funny, that wasn't in the script . . . thank you, Gregory. Any-who, are you ready to learn what your next assignment is?  
  
All: Sure!  
  
Cynical_Sweetheart: I'm going to bring in your worst enemies, the good guys.  
  
All: What????  
  
Cynical_Sweetheart: Yes, I am going to bring them in. And you will sit down and act civil and polite. If you apologize to your enemy and mean it with sincerity, you get a piece of candy.  
  
S: A piece? Woman, are you mad?  
  
Cynical_Sweetheart: Yes I am, but that's another story. Okay, I'll up the ante to the whole bag. Deal?  
  
All: Okay. Deal.  
  
Cynical_Sweetheart: Gregory, bring in the haflings, wizards, S.W.A.T team Luke and Padme and the most ordinary human beings you've got.  
  
(In walks Frodo, Harry, Dumbledore, the S.W.A.T team, Luke, Padme, and the most ordinary human being I could find . . . Barbara Walters. We'll refer to them as the GG when said in unison. Bad guys will be BG)  
  
(room is full of frightened glares and utter silence until-)  
  
Harry: Ow, by scar burns . . . who's in here?  
  
Cynical_Sweetheart: (matter of fact voice) Voldemort.  
  
Harry: (ducks under table and rocks back and forth) You can't take me mum and dad! I won't let you!  
  
V: Too late for that, kid!  
  
Cynical_Sweetheart: That's five pieces from your bag, Voldemort.  
  
Dumbledore: What? I was told this was an all you can eat buffet . . . now you're telling me that Voldemort's here? Oh great. I knew I should have stopped teaching kids . . .  
  
Frodo: Is Saurman here, then? He can't have the golden ring of Shire! I'll stop him at any cost!  
  
S: What are you going to do? Stomp me to death?  
  
Cynical_Sweetheart: Saurman, that's five pieces of candy from your bag.  
  
S: Aww!  
  
Luke: My dad's here then, huh?  
  
DV: (wheezes) Yes son (wheezes) your father is here (wheezes) now can I have my inhaler? (wheezes)  
  
Padme: Is that all you have to say after being out of his life for so long? I should tell you the truth now!  
  
DV: Tell me what? (wheezes)  
  
Padme: Luke isn't really your son.  
  
DV: WHAT??? After I paid child support on that little prat! (wheezes)Who's is he? (wheezes)  
  
Padme: (gets dreamy) Richard Simmons  
  
DV: Oh great, (wheezes) I should have known after all those exercise infomercials! Damn you, woman! (wheezes)  
  
Cynical_Sweetheart: Darth! That language is not appropriate in front of your son! Twenty pieces!  
  
DV: I don't give a rat's ass . . . he's not mine anymore! (wheezes)  
  
Cynical_Sweetheart: Thirty!  
  
H: Ha ha!  
  
S.W.A.T. team: Mr. Hulk, stand down!  
  
H: What? I'm not doing anything!  
  
S.W.A.T. team: Stand down or we'll be forced to shoot!  
  
H: See, now you're making me angry!  
  
Barbara Walters: So tell me, Magneto, what is with all the bottled up anger?  
  
M: (directs to Cynical_Sweetheart) You could have picked any human. Why her??? Why her??? Darn muckraker!  
  
Barbara Walters: So is that how you really feel? Were you abused as a child?  
  
M: (sobs) Of all the agony! You could have just sent in Carrot Top for Christ sake! At least he knows how to dial collect!  
  
Cynical_Sweetheart: Come on, Magneto, don't fold under the pressure! (sobs)  
  
M: (sobs) I was sent to a concentration camp and I never saw my parents again. I am very upset with humans partially because of what they did to my parents! I mean, wouldn't you destroy the species that killed the very thing you loved?  
  
Barbara: It's okay, give me a hug!  
  
(hugs the plastic bubble)  
  
Cynical_Sweetheart: Great job Magneto! You get your candy now!  
  
M: This is the happiest moment of my life!  
  
V: Harry, I'm -er . . . what's that useless meaningless phrase you children use when you've done something horrid and want forgiveness? It's been a while since I've used it . . .  
  
Harry: Sorry?  
  
V: Yes. I am very sorry, Harry. Though I must say, it was enjoyable killing your parents with all the screaming-  
  
(Cynical_Sweetheart scowls at Voldemort)  
  
V: (rolls eyes) I'm sorry.  
  
Harry hugs Voldemort and Voldemort slowly reached for Harry's wand in his back pocket . . .  
  
DV: So, you're not my kid? (wheezes)  
  
Luke: Nope DV: (wheezes) That's good. I couldn't stand having to break my paycheck every month. (wheezes) Here's a deal, we kill your mother and we can share outer space. Deal? (wheezes)  
  
Luke: (looks around at his mother and smiles falsely) Deal. Where do we dump her body?  
  
DV: (wheezes) I don't know, ask O.J. (wheezes)  
  
H: Okay guys, I really don't want to fight you . . .why don't we just talk it over while playing with the bunnies?  
  
S.W.A.T. team: He's got hostages??? Oh great, we've got a 517 in the 2213!  
  
(Cynical_Sweetheart scowls at the S.W.A.T. team)  
  
S.W.A.T team: Okay, let's go see the hostages . . . I mean . . . bunnies.  
  
S: Can I please have the ring?  
  
Frodo: No.  
  
S: Pretty please?  
  
Frodo: No.  
  
S: Give me the ring, you fag!  
  
Frodo: I am a fag!  
  
S: So am I . . . hey, can I call you?  
  
Frodo: No.  
  
S: Okay, if you insist, but once I get in your pants, both you and the ring will be mine! Muhahahaha!  
  
Frodo: Get away, you pervert!  
  
(Speaking to Cynical_Sweetheart in the back of the room)  
  
Dumbledore: You do realize that this will all crumple apart when Luke tries to turn Darth in, the S.W.A.T.'s try to kill Hulk, Voldemort gets Harry's wand, Magneto finds that metal plate in Barbara's skull and Saurman rapes Frodo.  
  
(Cynical_Sweetheart: Yeah, but let's just enjoy the moment, right?  
  
Dumbledore: Okay!  
  
Cynical_Sweetheart puts Sir Mix-A lot's "Baby Got Back" in the CD player and the characters do a soul train line.  
  
Cynical_Sweetheart: Okay good characters, It's time for you all to say good bye!  
  
GG: Bye!  
  
BG: Bye!  
  
(Door slams)  
  
Cynical_Sweetheart: And you know what the best part is?  
  
BG: What?  
  
Cynical_Sweetheart: Everybody gets candy!  
  
BG: Yeah!  
  
DV: (wheezes)How come Hulk's got more (wheezes)Jolly Ranchers than I do? (wheezes)  
  
Cynical_Sweetheart: Because he didn't curse in front of his son.  
  
H: Haha!  
  
DV: Hulk, the S.W.A.T.'s took your bunnies!  
  
H: Huh? (looks around) Now I'm angry!  
  
(Knock on the door)  
  
Cynical_Sweetheart: Sounds like another visitor!  
  
A/N: Next, we've got a fluffy poetry-writing contest . . . but don't forget, I still need your suggestions! I got a lot of votes for Darth so that's why I got this chapter done so quickly! Well, keep bringing them in you guys! We have four openings available, so nominate your favorite villain to a session of torture and chaos. Your villain doesn't have to be from a comic book, so chill (political villains would be nice o.O) and just in case, send me a brief bio on the character in an email (rather than my review section) so I can get to it faster. R&R please! 


End file.
